The other day Lachie and I went to the shops to buy him some new shoes. His favourite shoes, blue gumboots, no longer fit him as his feet had grown 2 sizes over the summer. We bought new boots (just like Uncle Tim’s only ‘clean’, says Lachie!). The same week Hamish was 7 weeks old, no longer classified as a newborn, now an infant. Where does the time go?
Having Hamish has been very different to Lachie. I am sure this is understandable, but nothing could have prepared me for the incredible sense of responsibility I felt when Lachie came, and with that a whole host of feelings and doubts about my confidence. I remember being very anxious; I made Caleb come to the shops with me for our first outing as I was scared to do it on my own. I remember scouring the shops for the changing rooms, and plotting the quickest way there in case my baby started screaming uncontrollably. I remember being overly concerned that everyone would be looking at me, judging me about why my baby was crying and why I couldn’t stop him! I didn’t find it easy to relax and just enjoy being a ‘mum’ until much later and struggled to maintain my sense of ‘me’ as I poured what little energy I had into my boy. My entire world had changed, I no longer had the structure of work, I couldn’t just jump into my car and grab a coffee and I couldn’t plan my life and fill it down to the next minute.
This is not to say I didn’t love being a mum, nor love Lachie. On the contrary, I don’t think I could have loved him more and so with these intense feelings, came more feelings of worry or anxiety that I couldn’t take care of him as he deserved. Only with time did I begin to feel more confident and began to ‘see’ myself again. I structured my week with activities and enjoyed ‘the doing’ and ‘being’ a mum.
With Hamish, it has been completely different. The same feelings of worry or unpredictability have not been there. I have enjoyed every moment, and wandered at how quickly it has gone. He is no longer my little newborn baby. He is smiling and interacting, lifting his head and making those sweet ‘giggling’ noises. (In some ways the hardest part now is having a toddler with a newborn!) I want time to slow down! I want to enjoy the delights and smells of my little boy before he grows too big, I want to remember these feelings!
Looking after my boys is full of beautiful moments like Lachie kissing my cheek and saying ‘love you’ or Hamish responding to my voice. I look forward to more…to seeing them grow and to being there with them as they do!